I really should be a scientist

I keep coming to that conclusion. I know that in reality, scientists also have a hard time proving their worth, getting anyone to believe their ideas, and probably, also, have to answer questions like "what kind of team player are you?" Is this multiple choice? How many kinds are there? I don't know what it is but every question in an interview sounds like a veiled insult. "So you aren't working...what are you doing?" I'm looking for a fucking job! What do you think I'm doing? Well actually, I'm going on vacation to England (which they already know), I'm working on a documentary short for a non-profit (which is on my resume) and I'm blogging for WhatGives.com (which is what I actually said). The disinterested 25-year old with black hair hanging in his eyes made a note. I found out later that he's the quasi-blogger for the company. Sigh, why is this so nerve wracking?

If you read my previous post, you know I'm afflicted with massive regret syndrome which makes me agonize for hours, sometimes days after such an encounter, over every hideous answer, comment "that may be construed as negative" (which, I believe is literally everything) and the worse, over sharing. It is not always a good thing to be loquacious and at ease in front of an audience. I also should be clever enough to know that I could have prepared for this. Halfway through the interview, I was wishing I was a scientist and I could talk about data and research and things I'm building or testing or theorizing. I wish they'd give me a test or a "what would you do in this scenario?" Instead, they want to know about ME. What kind of person? What kind of worker? What kind of team member? What kind of interviewee? Did I tell you I was being group interviewed? Fun!

I wish I could say I felt good before, during or after my third interview for this job with the cool company, but I didn't. I looked really weird. My hair was flat, my face puffy, my skin red. What the heck? I never like what I'm wearing and always pretty sure it's all wrong. The last two days, I've been nervous and shredded my poor thumbnails so I was conscious of trying to hide those. And then the most senior woman in the room asked me when I graduated college, a date I intentionally left off my resume so as not to reveal my age. When I replied 1995 (and the others had also been asking about dates), I said "now you're all figuring out how old I am." Oh no, she said, we're not allowed to ask that.

I never knew how impossible it is to speak about myself without sounding like a total jackass. Really. Impossible! I feel like a used car salesman. My problem is, to combat the awkwardness, I'll show the customer the rust on the bottom, just so they know I'm on the level. Interviewing feels so messy to me, so out of control. It's like that scene in Parenthood where Steve Martin does the routine about slipping on Cowboy Dan's guts. That's me, except I'm slipping on my own guts. Oh well, it's over now and there's nothing I can do about it now except prepare for the next one and hope there is a next one.

Fun sucking, time wasting, age discriminating technology

I am seriously about to shoot my computer. Is it just me or is anyone else having trouble with Gmail? I swear I have to quit it constantly, try it in another browser, it just doesn’t load or when I click an email it “refreshes” but nothing happens. My browser gives up. I force quit. After I while I get a message that the program has stopped responding, do I want to force quit? YES! Damn it, I just told it to do that. Grrr. I restart. I try it again, after five minutes of trying, I am finally able to login again. There are seven new emails since I last had access an hour ago.

I’ve been at the computer for three hours already. First I discovered that my move of my iTunes music from my computer to an external hard drive didn’t quite work. It was loading an old library. I replace it with the new library. Now the old songs aren't in it. I recopy the songs, now I have 4,000 duplicates. OMG. It can’t find the original songs now, just the new ones. WTF? I have to delete the duplicates but oops, my favorites are not marked on the new imports. I have to manually mark them first.

I get that done but now I have to rebuild my set lists. That was relatively painless and I finally update the iPod for my impending trip to the UK. I still haven’t figured out how I’m going to recharge the thing after my 11 hour flight…can I plug it into someone else computer and charge? After that, I upload the photos from yesterday’s brunch. I tweak color. I export. I upload to Flickr. I rename, I tag, and I organize. This is about the time my browsers want to poop out. I have about 12 tabs open of links I want to include in blog posts. I copy the links into a Word document. Oh lord, I think Word is about to give up too. I’m just going to restart.

It’s a good thing I’m unemployed. Otherwise, how would I possibly have time for all this technology? Then it occurs to me that half of my workday must have been spent wrangling with technology. Skpying with friends and coworkers, usually about nothing, reading and responding to emails, setting up my Pandora stations, and trouble shooting performance problems. But I was getting paid!

Since Saturday, I’ve written three blog posts in my notebook but they haven’t shown up on my blog yet because of the pain of sitting down and wrangling with technology to get them done. I can’t think with all this wrestling going on. Last week I spent several joyous hours shuffling video files and music from various hard drives to make room for a new video project. Technology has the maddening dual effect of making things much more accessible while also sucking the fun out of them: for me, filmmaking, writing and marketing.

There’s nary a profession these days that isn’t affected by the technology fun sucking phenomenon. My dad became an engineer because he wanted to build things but found himself instead, 20 years later, a programmer who hadn’t built anything. That’s when he quit and starting building houses. He draws the designs on the computer but it’s still a world barely touched by technology. Hairdressers are one of the rare few professions that haven’t changed. People will always have hair and it will always need cut. It’s pretty basic.

But even worse than fun sucking is the experience invalidation. A woman told me in an interview that she’d rather hire a person with two years experience with widgets than a person with ten years marketing experience (me). Seriously? I think it’s probably always been like this but I’ve always been on the receiving end of that short sighted discrimination; the belief that young people are naturally more able to understand what’s going on in the world. I can’t think of anything more preposterous. I suppose the same people who ten years ago thought the person with the most experience was the most knowledgeable are the same ones that think a 24-year old with two years experience is the most hip.

Here's the truth, there are people who are naturally curious, clever and are always changing. It doesn’t matter how old they are or how much experience they have, they are the ones who will do the job well.

Scared stupid

Even though I started working part time a month ago, I have done very little in the way of finding a job. Looking for a job is probably the most depressing thing I ever have to do. I will literally do anything to avoid it. The biggest problem is the jobs themselves, they all sound dreadful and not like something I would ever want to do for any amount of money. Then comes the dreadful realization that I have to do one of these god awful jobs if I expect to continue making delicious vegetables from the Farmer’s Market and sitting on my down-filled couch to watch my Netflix movies, and traveling to see my friends and family and buying new music and sleeping in my comfortable bed. Basically everything hinges on money coming into my bank account, which isn’t happening at the moment.

Working is easy. Getting up, putting on clothes and going to a job is a piece of cake. And honestly, I’ve never had a job that I thought was difficult. Stressful at times, perhaps, because people are involved. Politics, egos and emotions are hard to deal with, not work. But looking for a job is a whole different story. I don’t like talking about myself, I don’t like selling myself, and honestly I think my resume is a sad reduction of my potential as a worker and human being. Certainly I’m capable of much more than that piece of paper can explain. Usually the jobs are so reductive that it isn’t an issue, until now.

Tomorrow I go to interview for a company that, and I’ve never used these words to describe a company before, is unbelievably cool and awesome. They innovate, they solve problems, they come up with ideas and they produce them. They’re interested in what I’m interested in: how to make things better, why people do what they do, what people want, how to fix things that should be easy to fix, making life better. My first interview was over the phone and I all I did to prepare was look at their website. I took it at work on a conference phone and just winged it. I must have done well because they want me in person, but I literally had no idea the company I was interviewing with. I even referenced their fact sheet that I printed from their website, as if I had done my homework!

Now I’m completely freaked out. I feel like I just got lucky on the first interview. Everything I said on the call was in line with their company philosophies because I naturally am aligned with this company. I didn’t have any prepared answers and yet my responses were so right on, it must have seemed like I prepared them. Halfway through the call the ladies started asking what I liked to do for fun. I don’t think I’ve ever been asked that in an interview and I had no idea what to say. I stuttered and muttered and said something about being a geek and going to panels on environmental sustainability. Clearly, that does not accurately describe my fun time. But it made me realize they were looking at me as a person, not just a worker.

I have sat at my computer for the last two days trying to think of a way to put a cool presentation together, something that summarizes my experience or maybe some ideas for their company. Everyone must want to work here, and they must have a dozen or more super qualified and excited candidates. How can I make myself stand out? I’m literally frozen with fear and haven’t done anything. All the work I’ve done at other jobs seems so lame, most of it is lame, so how do I crow about it? After more than ten years in this business, I still feel like I’m waiting for my chance to shine. Self-help books always say if you're afraid, you're probably going in the right direction. Well I'm terrified, so maybe this is it.

Here's an example of what they design:


This company employs experts and thought leaders, TED types. I feel like a wanna be, a groupie in the presence of the greatest band ever. Why aren't I someone? Why aren't I an expert? I've been out of college for over a decade and feel like all I've done is grow my interests and potential. So much potential. So many interests! But where are my accomplishments? Why is it that I feel so unfinished, like I haven't even started taking shape yet?

Let's start a village

I'm going to do that mashup thing again where I look at a bunch of dots and posit whether they're connected. Here's the first dot. In the 1970's James Lovelock, a chemist and inventor, then working for NASA, published a radical theory: The earth is not a magically self-regulating planet that has always been and will always be, it is a living organism of which we are all a part. It was the first time people were asked to think about our role on this planet as something other than just beneficiaries of all it has to offer. In his latest book, "Revenge of Gaia," Lovelock declares that humans are doomed, global warming is irreversible and by the end of the century, over 6 billion people will die of droughts, floods, disease and hunger.

In an article in Rolling Stone, Lovelock talks about the ones who will survive by recalling a story about a fire on a plane. Everyone stayed in their seats as they were told, frozen, while the few that survived did so by crawling over their fellow passengers and climbing out the windows. The majority of people are going to stay seated during this crisis and die in their seats. It made me think of The Terminator and how Sarah Connor, knowing what was coming, started preparing herself for the fight ahead. According to Lovelock, there are only two ways to survive this - either by going primitive or by going super high-tech. I think it may be a combination of both but the people who can live in a more primitive way, by growing their own food and creating their own energy, will be at a great advantage.

Which brings me to the second dot. An article in National Geographic was talking about the shanty towns near Bombay and then a friend recalled the same story, something he'd witnessed in Mexico City. Enormous populations of people, hundreds of thousands, have built cities from the ground up, by themselves with no developers, no infrastructure, no government support. While poor, these communities are thriving. They have power, they have water, they've built industries and services, their places are clean and nicely kept and they are carbon neutral. These are the greenest cities in the world; everything is recycled or reused and there is no excess. If there is any kind of collapse in our energy supply or our economies, these communities will be impacted the least. Apparently one in six people lives in a squatter town and that number is expected to triple by 2050.

Then I heard one of the most exciting ideas yet in a PopTech lecture by Adrian Bowyer, a challenge to the concept of money. If every home had a small robot that could manufacture any item - a comb, a bowl, a fork - from a resin made of starch grown in the backyard (i.e. corn or potatoes) and those items went right back into the earth when we were done with them, would we have the same need for factories and therefore, money? He quotes science fiction writer Iain Banks who said that "money is a sign of poverty" to illustrate that we would be richer if we didn't need money at all.

Finally, I keep having a certain conversation with my friends about how disillusioned we are with work and its role in our life. These are people scattered all over the country who don’t know each other. They’re all about 30-45, some married, some with children, some homeowners but what we all have in common is that we grew up middle-class, we went to college and we have to work for a living. A rough illustration of who these people are:

- A single guy in D.C. who likes photography, traveling and Jazz. Works in film restoration, which he likes, but there's not much work and it pays very little.
- A recently married woman in North Carolina, about to have a baby, who works as a graphic designer. Loves designing but hates working all the time.
- A new mother and writer in Santa Monica who has to hire two nannies so that she can work when she'd rather spend the time with her baby but can't afford to.
- A single guy in Los Angeles who works a web producer. He loves computers so spends his time in front of one any way but continually has jobs that require 60-hour work weeks.
- A woman in New York working as a teacher whose job is so stressful, she couldn't do it without her live-in boyfriend helping with house work and daily chores.
- A single woman in San Francisco who has spent the last ten years pursuing a career but finds herself unfulfilled by the work.
- A bi-coastal young man, recently out of college, who's already frustrated with the fact that work takes him away from the projects he feels passionate about.
- A woman with a teenage daughter in the Bay Area who finds herself more motivated than everyone she works for and can't figure out how to dumb herself down.
- A single woman in Los Angeles who wants to help people in her native Cambodia but makes ends meet by working at an interactive agency.

We don’t have enough time to do what we enjoy because we spend our lives working and yet don’t make enough money to buy more time. In the jobs, we’re frustrated with others’ lack of commitment or in the company itself and feel that we deserve better. But in the pursuit of a better job in a better company we finally come to realize that work does not fulfill us enough to justify the time spent doing it. Most of us work to create or promote the sale of goods, goods that we use the money we earn to buy. By any measure, it’s not an efficient use of our time.

My friends are ready to quit this rat race of working and buying and are ready to move somewhere quieter, live a simpler life and grow our own food. The problem, I suppose, is that we’re all cultural people who need other people and art to stimulate us and aren’t really the kind of folk you find in rural towns. Back in April of 2007, I wrote that servitude sucks and that we've been duped because more "primitive" societies enjoy abundant free time. Now, it seems, I'm hearing the same thing from everyone: How do we get to a place where LIVING is what we spend most of our time doing instead of WORKING?

And connecting all these dots, I had an idea. A communal village of like-minded people. We want to grow our own food and learn to make our own energy and live without cars. We want to raise each other's children and imagine a society of the future and sometimes watch 30 Rock. Do you think it's possible? It would have to be in Canada, somewhere north that will be less impacted by global warming. I saw a fantastic photo in National Geographic (a similar one I found on the web is here) that shows a village in Israel, built to be egalitarian in that everyone has equal access to school, church, and other community buildings, in the center of town, but everyone also owns a piece of land, on the outside of town. It's limited as to how many people can live there, about 750, and everyone is independent and yet totally connected to each other.


It looks good. It looks real good. What do you think y'all? Ready to buy some property in Alberta?

Is your job cramping your style?

I feel like a broken record. I'm even tired of hearing myself THINK the same thoughts. I never get enough sleep (about 7 - 7.5 but I really need 8+), I don't get enough exercise (really, appallingly, almost none), my job is stressful and my back and neck always hurt, and I don't have enough time to blog (my notebook continues to fill up with handwritten half-written blogs that never make it to the computer). Some of this is because I don't have the right workstation. I need to buy a desk but it has eluded me despite throwing hours and hours at the task.

Some of it is the job, and now I need to find a new one which I liken to looking for a new husband in the middle of a divorce, absolutely the last thing I want to do! I just want to lick my wounds for a moment and contemplate my next move without the constant threat of eviction and insurmountable debt hanging around like vultures waiting for me to keel over. An acquaintance at work asked me how the job experience has been and to my surprise, my response was not that positive! Not that sweet or politely political. I mean, I've only been there six months, how could it be that bad? I honestly think I'm just not cut out for the corporate world. All the layers and positioning and egos and bullshit, it's a lot to decipher and I feel too vulnerable and too transparent for it.

But I learned something really valuable tonight at a brand lecture I went to that might explain it. This woman speaking said to make sure to carve out an area of incompetence. People who are too good at everything get volunteered for way to much work, and they drown. The key is to make sure everyone knows that you're really bad at a couple of things. That way, you'll only have to do what you're good at, you'll excel and up the ladder you go!

I could also complain that my apartment is too f'ing cold, I hear sirens blast by 3-5 times a night, and I spend way too much money. Every weekend I'm trying to loosen the knots in my back and neck with drinks, dinners, chocolate, shopping. For the most part, I'm spending everything I have with reckless abandon. And I have company. One recent outing for a desk in the $200 range led me to contemplate a desk at $350, then $500, then $900 before I gave up on the whole thing. Modern life isn't easy and jobs seem to take up way too much of our time and energy. I spoke to three good friends and my brother on the phone over the weekend and we spent most of it talking about work. In the private sector and in non-profits, there are the same problems of greed, incompetency, bad management, lack of leadership and vision, nepotism and politics.

I think the moral of the story is that I have to carve out an area for myself. If I dial down my capabilities at work, I won't have too much to do, I won't be as stressed, I'll have more time to exercise, more energy to blog and won't feel the need to shop as much. Now I just have to think of something to be bad at!